Jack Bauer

I live with a Jack Bauer fan, and she’d likely “amen” most of these.

So they made me laugh.

Such things were once said about Chuck Norris.

Well, move over Chuck. Jack’s on the scene…

Basic Truths About 24’s Jack Bauer

  • Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
  • If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
  • If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
  • Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
  • If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then you better believe it’s beef.
  • Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
  • 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
  • Let’s get one thing straight: the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
  • Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
  • Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
  • When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
  • Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
  • Osama bin Laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
  • Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
  • Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
  • When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
  • Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
  • Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it.
  • Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn’t a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
  • Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
  • You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
  • Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.
  • When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
  • In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the hell have you done with your life?
  • Jack Bauer killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
  • In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
  • What color is Jack Bauer’s blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
  • Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
  • If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
  • People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
  • Sun Tzu once wrote, “If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you’re dead.”
  • Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
  • Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That’s why there’s no life on Mars.
  • Superman’s only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
  • When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
  • Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
  • Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
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5 thoughts on “Jack Bauer

  1. I knew I liked Shannon. 🙂
    Thanks for these, they are so funny. I think my favourite one is Superman in Jack pjs. Hilarious. Or the unicycle Tour de France.

    Hope you guys are having a great summer so far!
    bonnie

  2. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! BEAUTIFUL!!! There’s just no way to choose a favorite…love the one about killing Nina twice (tempting) though. He is the ultimate TV hero…you gotta love a guy who gets the job done and does it his way every time. Plus he’s always right. He can be my right hand man anyday. Or maybe I could be his??:)

  3. Those are funny, but just one problem. Those are actually Chuck Norris jokes that I’ve heard before. They are missing the classic: Jack’s tears / Chuck’s tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never has cried.

    BTW I know you are a 24 fan so I’m going to send you a link for something you might appreciate.

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