Losing Faith (Part III): First Cracks

This post builds upon two earlier posts: Here, then here.

It has been a remarkable decade.

  • the-big-ten-11

    9/11, admittedly more than a decade ago, altered the Western consciousness and global relationships in some profound ways.

  • Most of us looked up Darfur on a world map for the first time.
  • Mexico’s drug war became a fixture in international headlines.
  • Coups toppled leaders in Haiti, Thailand, and Honduras.
  • Chretien became Martin became Harper in my homeland.
  • Bush became Obama in the land below the 49th parallel.
  • A number of larger-than-usual hurricanes and earthquakes destroyed whatever centers were in their paths.
  • Tsunami became a part of everyone’s vocabulary.
  • H1N1 did too.
  • The Euro established itself across most of Europe.
  • Dark matter and “God Particles” confirm that we know a sliver of the world in which we live.
  • Wireless internet arrived, and flat screens–now touch screens–dominate many of our spaces.
  • Social media exploded to change the way both media and society function.

And that is but a scan!

Change Out, Change In

No doubt, the world has changed; no doubt, more personal movements can be measured as well.

Ten years ago, I was on the verge of completing my Masters degree at a local seminary. Even today, I count that three-year opportunity to study Scripture and theology within a tight and meaningful community of Spirit-filled men and women, as hugely significant in my shaping. Ironically, one of my chief memories from that time of construction felt like a wrecking ball. The details around the experience are hazier than I wish, but I do recall feeling an unusual weight of heaviness.

My mind was spinning and my footing was slipping, and I knew I needed to talk to somebody. Knocking on the door of a trusted professor, I entered without any script. And what came out? Mostly tears, mixed with frustrated attempts to give phrase to an inner experience that I could not grasp.

I was coming apart.

Long-held assumptions were dissolving, being replaced with glimpses of a reality too grand and elaborate for my senses to handle. I was learning a new language, hearing a new rhythm to dance by, and I knew neither the steps nor the lingo to participate in this unfolding realm. Like Abraham, I was being called to a land far away, unmarked on all the maps I had ever used. And while willing to follow, my heels were dragging. And the pain of resistance brought tears.

That was one of the first moments when I knew I was losing the faith I had always known.

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